“If I wear a mask, I can fool the world… but I cannot fool my heart.”
It might come as a surprise- since outwardly I’m so self assured and confident- The definition of “dance like nobody’s watching”…. But over the last 4 months I’ve been struggling with who I am inside.
To give you a little backstory- I took an influencer course in December to learn how to monetize what I’ve been accidentally building online over the last 10 years. I knew that if I was going to quit my sales job to pursue social media management, I would need a side income to supplement me until I was earning enough from my marketing agency.
I already made a handful of deals and affiliate income, but honestly it was all accidental.
I knew that if I wanted to take this online thing seriously, I needed a professional to show me the ropes. So I jumped in a course, and never looked back!
“I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart and what I believe in.”
The only problem now, was that I felt like I had to do #allthethings.
Decision fatigue was taking over, and next thing you know, I was being run by the algorithm.
I found myself scrolling, saving trending audios, videos, wondering “HOW did she do that??!!” and feeling like I had to “keep up with the Joneses.”
My messaging got lost, and as a result so did I.
I started focusing on what everyone else was doing: Trying to recreate videos that I loved, pop on audios and trends before they went viral, and trying to be one step ahead of the game.
I was exhausted because I was posting for the sake of posting,
And not for the sake of delivering my message.
I forgot who I was inside.
And I fell down the abyss of self doubt, imposter syndrome, and general feelings of unhappiness.
The dream that everyone seems to dream these days – to quit their job to be an influencer and digital entrepreneur- I was drowning in it. I hated it.
“But somehow I will show the world what’s inside my heart and be loved for who I am.”
I recently listened to a podcast that recommended facing your imposter syndrome head on. That it is just “outward thoughts that we internalize as true.” For example: Say your neighbor thinks you’re full of shit, YOU start to take that thought and internalize it and tell yourself it’s true…. Resulting in you thinking you don’t belong because you are full of shit.
I’ve been feeling like a fake.
That I’m not worthy, not good enough, and why would anyone trust little old me’s opinions or ideas.
Who was I to claim this space for myself???!!
And the reality is, I am.
I’ve been spending SO much time focusing on what others are doing,
Trying to perfectly plan my Instagram grid, pump out reels and videos faster than others so I’d be trendier, always optimizing my hashtags, and trying to “say the right thing” at all times.
I’ve lost my message.
I’ve lost my sparkle.
“Must I pretend that I’m someone else for, all time.”
A few years ago I was told that I can’t possibly start a blog and do “all the things.” That I had to niche down and focus on 1 specific thing. To reduce my being and interests into 1 topic.
It felt so yuck to me.
I have SO many interests, and SO many people love the advice, tips and thoughts that I share. Why SHOULDN’T I share my favorite Disney World foods? But ALSO share my favorite bathroom cleaning find? All while giving social media growth tips??
I’m a real human, and real humans have many interests.
But these last 4 months, I’ve found that I’ve 100% been listening to that way of thinking. Of niching down and focusing on 1 specific thing. I’ve become exactly what made me cringe just a couple of years ago.
I’ve stuffed myself in to neat & tiny boxes:
– On Instagram I am an MS Warrior who loves fashion and beauty
– On TikTok I let my hot mess mom flag fly
– On my Facebook business page I share how to grow online
– On my personal Facebook page my Disney content is the only thing growing
And it’s constricting me to the point where I cannot breathe under the weight of it all.
[Cue the Encanto Pressure music!]
“When will my reflection show who I am inside.”
I had to have a serious intervention with myself.
What I’ve been doing is unsustainable.
And it feels yucky.
Before taking a course that told me how to be, I knew who I was.
I’m a beauty and fashion lover, who loves a good deal, who is a hot mess mom just trying to keep it together, who loves Disney and Flamingos, and shares about her life with Multiple Sclerosis to help others.
I’m AMAZING at SEO and digital business growth tactics. I’m a brand wizard, and an AWESOME strategist and marketer.
It’s time for me to stop jumping through the circus hoops and dancing with the monkeys.
“There’s a heart that must be free to fly, that burns with the need to know… the reason why”
In a world that is heavily filtered, photoshopped, and faux- I was worried about fitting in.
But as the saying goes
“Why fit in, when you were born to stand out?”
God placed me on this Earth to be a friend for others. To be a beacon of hope when their light is almost ready to go out. To share my overflowing positivity with everyone around me, because you never know who needs someone to believe in them.
And so today begins the realignment of my messaging to who I am inside.
I might still keep my platforms sectioned out, so I have a healthy outlet for all of my interests- BUT you can rest assured that I’ll be approaching everything with my mission statement above in mind.
Will this help someone?
Is this me?
Am I a good representation of who I am inside?
Or am I posting for someone else?
“Why must we all conceal what we think and how we feel?”
I’ve struggled with how to accurately say what I’ve been feeling.
The short of it- I feel fake.
The honest answer when you strip it all away- NO DUH KELSEY, THE INTERNET IS MADE UP.
The answer truly is that simple.
I am feeling crushed under the fakeness of the internet, because it is fake.
So if this is also you,
Please know- that you are not alone.
Everyone is dealing with something.
Behind all of the filters, the makeup, the outfits, the perfectly curated homes….
Behind the stock photos, fancy editing effects, body changers/shifters, and selfie sets…
Are just REAL people.
And you are good enough to stand up there with the best of them.
ESPECIALLY if you stay true to YOUR message,
And you don’t get caught up in their message like I did.
Everything on the internet is fake, it’s all just CSS and coding…
A couple of bleeps and bloops.
But you, my friend, are a gem.
“Must there be a secret me, I’m forced to hide.”– Reflection from Mulan Soundtrack
Don’t hide yourself.